《北纬三十五度春》木桃三

4、第四章

　　八月中旬，段艺泽世界巡演海外场全部结束，他给自己放了一个月的假放松心情调整状态期间除了必要的商务活动，几乎没有再出现在大众的视野内。段艺泽是娱乐圈出了名的劳模，他原本打算海外场和国内场无缝衔接，最后实在拗不过他的经纪人蒋韫恺Kevin，只好答应半休假一个月。现在想来，这个决定是对的。
　　他好像真的被下蛊一般，对那个叫做尹书荷Sheila的女孩有些念念不忘。LA之后的每一场演唱会，他都在希冀她会突然出现。但始终没有，她再也没有出现在任何一场演唱会的SVIP。
　　尹书荷好像真的从段艺泽的世界消失，没有留下一丝痕迹。
　　段艺泽几乎已经默认尹书荷不会再出现在他的世界。
　　接受外媒访谈的时候，段艺泽被问到自己的个人生活。这不是他第一次被问到这些问题，大众在关注他音乐作品的同时，总是忍不住好奇他在荧幕背后的生活。
　　以往他总是轻描淡写地一笔带过，而这一次，他的脑海里闪现过一张脸，随后他又轻笑着摇了摇头：“I feel very lonely, honestly. I might be surrounded by a lot of people, you know, families, friends, company people, whatever. There’s love there, and I enjoy being with them. But deep down, I know that, mentally I feel lonely and I have no shoulder to lean on in my soul.（老实说，我会感觉孤独。我身边经常有许多人，我的家人，朋友，工作伙伴。我爱他们，也喜欢和他们待在一起。但在我内心深处，我感到非常孤独，我没有精神寄托和灵魂依靠。）”
　　“You don’t know who to talk to when you pick up your phone. Right?（你常常不知道向谁倾诉吗？）”
　　“Most of the time, when I pick up my phone, I don’t know who to call. My parents, they basically take part in the company; my friends, they mostly work with me in music or in business.（大多数时候，我拿起手机不知道打电话给谁。你知道的，我的父母和朋友，他们大多是我的工作伙伴。）”
　　“You know, I’m always outputting, like in my world tour, but deep down, I don’t feel I’m receiving. I heard from people in this industry saying the same thing that they get just get lonely, although they all look primped.（我工作的时候大部分时间都在不断向外输出，比如我最近的世巡，但我心里空缺的部分却没有人来帮我填满。我也听到很多艺人说过，他们往往表面上光鲜亮丽，内心深处却时常感到空虚和孤独。）”
　　“I’ve being going through a time, about two years ago, that I wanted to get drunk all day because I don’t want to face the life I was going through. That was the first time that I want to avoid something in my life, you know. I’m not a person that I would want to avoid stuff.（大概两年前，我尝试通过酗酒来逃避现实，因为我实在不想面对当时我所经历的一切。那几乎是我人生中第一次选择逃避，因为通常再艰难的境地我都会选择面对，。）”
　　“Did you know, at that point, that his was not the right way to go?（你知道那个时候你的状态很不对劲吗？）”
　　“Yeah, definitely. But at that moment, I just didn’t want to face it cause I don’t know what it is and I felt like I lost everything.（我当然知道。但那个时候，我不想面对现实，因为我觉得我失去了所有。）”
　　“But do you feel better now, compare to one to two years ago?（跟两年前相比，你现在感觉好些了吗？）”
　　“Yeah, in the aspect that I’m more open to face it and talk about it. Clown, this album, is the process that I’m going to face myself and know more about myself. I’m aware of who I am, what I’m going through, and what I’ll be facing with, basically I decided to make peace with myself and to show the non-perfect side of myself. I feel it’s okay to show that I’m not perfect, I just need to admit it. This is not what I was like before.（是的，我在尝试慢慢调整自己。我现在基本能够打开心扉，向身边的人倾诉我内心的感受。Clown这张专辑讲述的就是我如何决定直面真实的自己，了解更深自己，其实也就是我与自己和解的过程。我接受了不完美的自己，同时也将不完美的自己展现给大众，让他们了解最真实的我。但以前我不是这样想的。）”
　　“What were you like before?（以前你是怎么想的？）”
　　“I think before, I care too much and I was trying to satisfy everybody. But then I just figured out that was impossible. It’s impossible to satisfy everyone, but I need to satisfy myself first, it’s my career and my dream, and I have to be the leader of my world and my life.（曾经我太在乎别人的看法，我想要尽我所能去满足所有人的需求。后来我意识到我不可能让所有人满意，但我必须先让我自己满意。因为这是我自己的梦想，只有我自己才能主导。）”
　　“Is there anything else that you want to talk about that you haven’t talk about before?（除此之外你还有什么想要和大家分享的吗？）”
　　“I want my audience and supporters to know that I’m an entertainer, all I want to do is to entertain them in every way. You know, fame, popularity, these things are like bubbles and they don’t last forever. All I want to do during the momentary time I have is to make them smile through my music, performing, through everything I can do. And I want them to become somebody they are proud of in their own career, in their own field. All I care is about them, I want them to become themselves and to pursue their own dream. It’s not about me, you know, cause I’m just one of those artists that will be gone at any time.（我希望我的粉丝们了解，我是一名艺人，我的职责是尽我所能创造出让你们觉得有意义的艺术作品。名利和声望并不会恒久存在。在时间的长流里，我只是千千万万艺术家中不起眼的一位。但我希望在我还能出现在大众视野的时候，尽我所能，创造一些值得被人记住的东西，音乐也好，表演也好，我希望我的作品会让你们觉得快乐。我也希望你们每一个人都能成为自己的主人，勇敢追求自己的梦想。希望有一天，你们会为自己骄傲。）”
　　“It seems that you are planning to leave this industry at some point. Have you planned you timelines?（你的意思是你未来会退出这个行业吗？你有考虑过具体的时间线吗？）”
　　“I don’t know yet. Before, I was planning to get married by 35. I’m probably not going to leave this industry, but maybe one day when I meet my future lady, it will be family first.（我还不知道，曾经我想过三十五岁之前结婚。我大概不会离开这个行业，但如果有一天，我遇到了我未来的太太，我应该会把家庭放在第一位。）”
　　“Can we talk about love today?（我们可以讨论爱情吗？）”
　　“Yeah, of course.（当然。）”
　　“I know a lot of people care about my personal life and a lot of people asked me. Well, I’m open to say it, that I really want to date.（我知道很多人关心我的私生活，我不介意说出来，我的确想要约会。）”
　　“Are you dating someone right now?（你有正在约会的对象吗？）”
　　“Nope.（没有。）”
　　“You know, I meet different people, different girls from different countries through my work. I might say, oh this is a very gorgeous lady. And then we start talking. Hi! How’s it going? What’s your plan for the following week? Oh I’m flying out tomorrow…And then it’s done, we move on to our own life. You know, it’s always too short to connect.（我在工作上能遇到形形色色的女孩，来自不同的国家不同的领域，其中有女孩让我觉得非常惊艳。但绝大部分时候，我没有时间也没有精力去维系一段稳定的关系。）”说出这段话的时候，段艺泽脑海里一直有个挥之不去的影子，他非常期待与她再次相见，却又感觉希望实在渺茫。

　　直到两个月后在北京，段艺泽全国巡演的起点站。
　　尹书荷走进摄影棚，款款向他走来的时候，段艺泽有些不敢相信自己的眼睛。他曾经以为忙碌的工作让他麻木，这个女孩大概似过眼烟云，只是在他的世界掀起一番小小的波澜。只有在重新见到她的那一刻，他才不得不承认，他从来没有一刻忘记过这个女孩，她已经深深地刻印在他的脑海里。
　　她看起来依旧有些疲惫，但神采飞扬的样子大概是心情不错。
　　“尹书荷，好久不见。”段艺泽率先开口。
　　“你还记得我？”尹书荷语调上扬，似乎没有料到段艺泽居然还记得她，语气里有说不出的欢喜。
　　“真是个小没良心的。”段艺泽小声嘀咕，心想老子为你操碎了心，每天巡演这么累都还记得要惦记你，你居然这样轻飘飘地质疑我。
　　“什么？”尹书荷只听见段艺泽小声嘀咕，没有听清他说什么。
　　“没事，拍照了。”段艺泽轻轻搂过她的肩头，让她选择自己想喜欢的姿势，摄影师已经开始催了。
　　尹书荷胡乱地摆了pose，直到走出摄影棚才意识到蹲艺泽喊她尹书荷。她明明记得没有告诉过段艺泽她的中文名字。但无论如何，段艺泽时隔两个月还记得她，仅这一点，她就感觉今天大概是被上天眷顾的一天。这是她这两个月以来最美好的一天了。
　　演唱会上，尹书荷一如既往地站在第一排，为他欢呼为他呐喊，就像曾经在欧美的那十几场演唱会一样，似乎什么事都没有发生过。段艺泽看到台下那个随人群起舞的她，忽然感觉浑身充满了力量。他终于下定决心，想要更加靠近这个女孩。
　　很快，段艺泽便苦恼地意识到，尹书荷的世界真的和他不一样。尹书荷还是像以前一样，每次都会准时出现在他的演唱会，但除此之外他们两个几乎没有交集。这一刻，他甚至想直接向季夜霖求助。好歹他也是花名在外的段老大，难得遇见一个心动的女孩，居然三个月过去一点进展都没有，说出去不是被人笑话。