《疑心病》一叶知境

11、自述 在我的心里

　　1995.6.4
　　妈心脏病死了，爸工地干活残废了。
　　这一切来的太快
　　年纪还没满二十岁的哥成了家里唯一的顶梁柱
　　而我又因为开学拿不出学费哭着说不上了，却被他扇了一巴
　　掌，
　　这好不容易考上了，必须上，钱哥想办法。

　　然后我就跟在他身后，看着他为了我的学费挨家挨户下跪筹

　　钱。

　　尊严是什么，哥只想让你好过

　　1995.6.5
　　哥对我的爱是出于亲情，而我的爱早已变质。
　　这让我感到羞愧。

　　1995.6.6
　　我已经到了十几岁的年龄，也懂一些情情爱爱。
　　看着哥的背影总会有些不好的想法。
　　每次哥低着头向我靠近
　　身上散发的香味让我很不是滋味有种坐立难安的感受。

　　1995.6.8
　　哥的皮囊太招人喜欢了。
　　每次去给他送饭外面都围着一群女学生对着他讨论
　　这个时候我都会生一窝子气
　　把饭丢给他然后跑到门口驱赶她们。
　　我怕她们抢走我哥。
　　哥只能是我的

　　1995.10.2
　　哥为了尽快给我赚到学费干起了外皮，碰巧那天，安全措施没
　　做好，踩空从几十米的高楼摔了下来当场没了呼吸。
　　我赶到现场时满是鲜血，而哥躺在地上一动不动。
　　就连眼也没闭上

　　工地老板赶到在旁边不断说
　　我赔钱这件事就过去吧，不要声张
　　我说，
　　我只要我哥，没了我哥我也活不下去，

　　老天到死都不善待他。
　　它不公平。

　　1995.10.5
　　我抱着哥的尸体过了三夜。
　　我把所有的小秘密都说给他听了
　　连我喜欢他也是。
　　爸也知道我喜欢哥，他没反对，躺在床上吸着烟
　　语气很平淡的向我再陈述一遍事实你哥死了。
　　是啊，我哥死了，喜不喜欢又有什么用，

　　1995.10.6
　　柜台绿书包那一摞钱，
　　是哥给我攒下还没来得及交的学费。

　　我哥到死都还在惦记着我怕我没学上。

　　1995.10.7
　　那又能怎么样办。
　　性别血缘是我永远跨不过去的障碍

　　1995.10.8
　　我爱我哥，这句话不怪。
　　任何人可以喜欢任何人，我也是没有人可以评判我的热爱。

　　2006.6.2
　　我哥亲手将我送到繁华的城市，自己困在深山永远长眠。

　　（英文版指路）
　　1995.6.4

　　My mother died of a heart attack, and my father's work on the construction site was disabled.

　　All this came too fast.

　　My brother, who is not yet 20 years old, has become the only pillar in the family.

　　And I couldn't cry because I couldn't pay the tuition fee at the beginning of school, but I was slapped by him.

　　Palm,

　　It's hard to pass the exam. You have to take it. Brother Qian figured it out.

　　Then I followed him and watched him kneel door to raise money for my tuition.

　　Money.

　　What is dignity? I just want you to have a good life.

　　1995.6.5

　　My love for me is out of family affection, and my love has long deteriorated.

　　This makes me feel ashamed.

　　1995.6.6

　　I'm in my teens and know something about love.

　　Looking at my back, there will always be some bad ideas.

　　Every time my brother bowed his head and approached me.

　　The fragrance on my body makes me feel uncomfortable.

　　1995.6.8

　　My skin is so adorable.

　　Every time I went to deliver him food, a group of female students discussed with him.

　　At this time, I will be angry.

　　Throw him the meal and run to the door to drive them away.

　　I'm afraid they will take my brother away.

　　I can only be mine.

　　1995.10.2

　　I did my skin in order to earn tuition for me as soon as possible. It happened that there were no safety measures that day.

　　Good job. I stepped on the air and fell off a dozens of meters high building and lost my breath on the spot.

　　When I arrived at the scene, it was full of blood, and my brother lay motionless on the ground.

　　I didn't even close my eyes.

　　The construction site owner rushed to the side and kept talking.

　　Let's go to the matter of losing money. Don't say anything.

　　I said,

　　As long as I have my brother, I can't live without my brother.

　　God doesn't treat him well until he dies.

　　It's unfair.

　　1995.10.5

　　I held my brother's body for three nights.

　　I told him all the little secrets.

　　Even I like him.

　　Dad also knew that I liked my brother. He had no objection and lay in bed smoking.

　　He told me in a plain tone that your brother is dead again.

　　Yes, my brother is dead. What's the use of whether he likes it or not?

　　1995.10.6

　　The pile of money on the green schoolbag at the counter.

　　I saved me the tuition fee that I haven't had time to pay yet.

　　My brother was still thinking about it until he died. I'm afraid I didn't learn.

　　1995.10.7

　　So what can we do?

　　Gender kinship is an obstacle that I will never cross.

　　1995.10.8

　　It's not surprising that I love my brother.

　　Anyone can like anyone, and no one can judge my love.

　　2006.6.2

　　My brother personally sent me to the bustling city and trapped in the deep mountains and slept forever.