《a little》不渡万山

9、第 9 章 "if

　　"if i am to be honest, y/n, i really thought i could control it," you sighed deeply, closing your eyes tightly as you tried to push back the tears that threatened to fall. you felt yourself starting to cry as more words began to spill from your fathers mouth.
　　"the more time i spend with you the less i realize what i truly am doing, y/n. i just don't deserve you. i know i am selfish sometimes, but y/n, you're too good for me, and i'm just hurting you."
　　his words were painful and cruel, tearing you apart from the inside out. every one of them was true, but there was just something inside you that couldn't help but believe that they weren't completely true. after all, how many times had you heard your mother call him selfish? how many times had you seen him treat other people as objects rather than people, people rather than family members?
　　you shook your head violently as more tears threatened to spill from your eyes.
　　"you have no right to judge others without knowing everything first!"
　　at that, your fathers grip immediately loosened, allowing your body to slip from underneath it. you stumbled backwards, landing onto the floor and holding onto your leg tightly, biting down on your lip so hard you thought it may come loose.
　　your father stared down at you with wide eyes for a moment before slowly stepping forward. as he bent down to pick you up once more, you pulled your leg out from underneath him, using your hand to pull yourself further away.
　　"don't touch me," you whispered brokenly, trying not to let your pain and anxiety show through in your tone as much as possible. you watched as your father slowly sat himself back down beside you, reaching towards you tentatively. you moved your arm to block him.
　　"i' d love you kiddo, please come back home with me," he begged gently. you scoffed loudly.
　　"like hell i'm coming home with you," you snapped angrily. his head snapped up at the sound of your voice.
　　"why not?" he exclaimed, sounding genuinely surprised. you blinked several times, staring down at your trembling hands and the floor beneath them.
　　"i won't live with you," you muttered, still refusing to look up at him. "
　　and you won't let me live with mom."
　　a pause filled the air for a few moments as neither of you spoke. you continued to hold your leg as tight as you possibly could, ignoring the throbbing pain in your shin. you refused to let him anywhere near your injured appendage. you refused to let him take you away from everything you knew.
　　"are we going or not?" you asked through gritted teeth. your father let out a deep sigh and stood up, glancing down at you for one last time before moving towards the door. "stay the night here kiddo, i promise we'll leave tomorrow morning."
　　You stayed seated on the floor for several minutes, silently staring blankly ahead. every so often you'd close your eyes and open them again, trying not to cry. however, these attempts proved useless; you couldn't seem to stop crying, even if you wanted to. you wiped the tears away as best as you could, which was not very well as you had cried quite a bit during dinner.
　　you didn't understand how anyone could be so cold and cruel. you didn't understand how anyone could act as though they weren't hurting you at all. you didn't understand how someone could treat you as nothing more than an object.
　　you didn't understand how anyone could treat their own child like dirt.
　　after some time passed by and you realized it was too late to go back into the house, you forced yourself to stand up, wrapping your arms around your waist and turning around so that you could lean against the wall while leaning against it. you didn't even want to move. you simply wanted to sit and stay there until morning came.
　　eventually, you managed to drag yourself to the door and pushed it open, managing to barely stumble into the house before collapsing onto the couch. you pulled the blankets up over your legs, closing your eyes tightly. you had no idea who had been watching you, but you hoped that it would be someone else you didn't recognize, otherwise you might get another scolding from your father or worse, another argument from your mother.
　　you curled up under the blanket and rested your chin on top of your knees. you just prayed your parents would both behave themselves, and try their hardest to fix things between them. you knew it would take years, maybe even years longer, if both your parents got better. you wanted them to change, you wanted them to get better.
　　you just wanted them to forgive each other.
　　___________________________
　　THIS FICTION OVER---------------------------------------------------------------------
　　"can you believe it?!" you exclaimed happily as you grabbed onto his hands excitedly, pulling him along as you made your way over to the car that was currently parked right outside the gate. "I'm getting married!"
　　"hmm yeah, and it was your idea," he replied, rolling his eyes playfully.
　　"yeah and now that i'm getting married I have a new job and everything, so I can finally start looking for a nice place to live," you said quickly, still keeping your gaze fixed on the ground. you could hear your stomach rumbling impatiently as you dragged him towards the gate. it hadn't even been ten minutes since the ceremony had begun.
　　"hey, look at me," you heard Levi say after a few seconds of walking. you lifted your head back up slowly, finding that your eyes were met with his intense stare. you stared back at him, waiting patiently for whatever he was about to say. "this is just a small wedding, y/n, don't make it such a big deal okay? everyone already knows you're engaged anyway."