11、GG-AD ...
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1956年7月11日，
当然，我早就听说了这特别的嘉奖，从而在此致敬伟大的长官先生——
你是说我们余下的生命吗？你是在和我约定永远吗？嗯？我们是通过猫头鹰缔结婚誓了吗？哈，这假圣洁的宣言就像藤蔓一样牢牢缠住我，使我对你欲罢不能吗？这些年，墙壁布满苔藓，变得锈迹斑斑，这些斑块越发壮丽，开始整片整片拼接起来。它们鲜翠欲滴，如鳞片，如初叶。它们以超乎想象的缓慢速度成长着，而我的人生也在慢慢结冰。已经过去十多年了，不是吗？我被困于窄窄的一方天地已长达十多年了。我想我离变疯也不再遥远，当然，或许我已经疯了。
校长。扯淡，去他妈的吧。看看你，看看你吧。伟大的阿不思·邓布利多，国际魔法联合会会长，在新年之夜彻夜难眠，对酒浇愁，只因为几十年前被一个德国小子日了，自此以后再也无法爱上其他人，他妈的都是废话——阿不思，你还在为她的死责怪我，不是吗？你这个喝多了的白痴，那只是意外，一场意外，真的不是我，我向你发誓，我是因为害怕才逃走的——
再来看看我，盖勒特·格林德沃。曾一度，每一个欧洲巫师家庭的孩子都知道我，听见我的名字他们或欢呼或瑟缩；曾一度，我仅仅利用迎来的微风施咒，就可以把所有的树叶从枝桠上剥离出三十英尺——曾一度，我就要建立起，真正地建立起一个新世界的规则，一个明亮的充满希望的未来，我做这一切都是为了你和我——而现在呢，我独自在这里，慢慢地腐烂，日复一日的孤独竟让我在意起一个娘娘腔的英国老饭桶对我的看法。你一定很享受我说的这一切吧，看着我被受害者的尖叫所缠住的每一个日夜，你很高兴吧？是啊，这才符合你一贯的做事风格，不是吗？你不是很希望看见我因那些过去的鬼魂辗转反侧彻夜难眠吗，阿不思？小阿利安娜带来的阴影让你躲避了我很多年，直到不得不面对时你才来逮捕我，对吗？
邓布利多，你问我的近况，是近况吗？近况不就是你将我抛在这个密牢里？四年杳无音信——非常庆幸我的手表仍走得很准，这使我知道时间已过去多久——之后你来信了，向我炫耀你做了校长？［一团黑色的难以辨认的墨水污渍］
你的迷惘可真是有趣啊。你不能理解我为何生气，不是吗？你认为当我看着这些怀揣善意充满友情的信笺时，我就不会生气了，对吗？好，那我告诉你，我在生气，嗯？
格特鲁德就是个贱人。你想让我从中学到什么？你是在用游戏耍我吗？我们不是在很久以前就已结束了游戏吗？那时你与我天天腻在一起，将身心毫无保留交付于我，之后呢，你因为一场意外指责我、背叛我甚至离开我，抛下我一人去完成我们的理想。还有什么，我们曾携手并肩、共享计划，你同我一起寻找圣器，给我人生的指引，再然后呢，你有空了，也看透了，是时候去追求你所谓的英格兰的真理了，于是你就这样将我从空中狠狠地摔到谷底，是这样吗？
邓布利多，是你造就了我。是的，你造就我并与我结盟，但却放任我在这个世上肆意妄为。我猜你那个小弟弟会认同我的看法的，你确实有着掩耳盗铃自欺欺人的嗜好。
好了，说够你了。现在来聊聊我吧，你那饱受惊扰的，心碎成渣的宠物黑魔王，你试图掩饰的不光彩的过去。可试问谁曾用甜蜜的咒语缠绕着你的身体，让你迫不及待地笑着求他干你？试问还有谁知道你这不得不隐藏起来的欲望？怎么，可怜的阿不思，这就是你不得不失去的自我，你弄丢了的部分吗？
是啊，我们还在兜圈子。现在换我来嘲讽你了，不过我已气到无法呼吸。
你感到自豪吗，邓布利多教授是我的新笔友了。但不要想你会是我唯一的笔友——梅林在上，若我只有你一个笔友，我早在多年前就撞墙而死了。我偶尔会和一个家伙聊聊天，感觉蛮令人愉快，他不会因为我丧失了野心、终日郁郁寡欢就对我有所偏见。他是一个非常聪明但却有些呆板的英国少年，还起了个傻乎乎的假名字——几年前出乎意料地与我开始通信，三句话不离本行。是个有头脑的人，但显然没有什么幽默感。当我说到我同你相识时，他好像非常害怕。
我告诉他你就是个喜好利用别人的伪君子，让他最好离你远点儿。当然，我看得出来他很怕你。你可能对他有所留意，日后搞不好是个危险人物。不过当一个黑魔王不会是你的宠物狗时，你又如何能掌控得了他呢？
阿不思·邓布利多，你的气度是靠不住的。格特鲁德是个大贱人。
盖勒特·格林德沃
＊＊＊＊原文＊＊＊＊
July 11th, 1956
Mister Supreme Mugwump Sir, and of course I heard about that particular commendation--
The rest of our lives, you say Forever, you say Are we wedded by owl, then Am I bound to your sanctimonious pronouncements as permanently as the lichen on my walls The orange spot is becoming particularly magnificent. There is green like scales, green like little leaves. They grow unimaginably slowly. My whole life has become glacial. It's been more than ten years, hasn't it More than ten years in one single little room. I thought I'd go mad. Maybe I have.
Headmaster. Bollocks. Schweinhund. Look at you. Look at you, the great Albus Dumbledore, International Mugwump of the Grand Posh Scheisse-Swarm, hunching over your New Year's ale because you fucked a German boy decades ago and can never love again or some nonsense--and you still blame me for her death, don't you, Albus It was an accident, you drunken idiot, an accident, it wasn't me, I swear, I only fled in fear--
And look at me. Gellert Grindelwald. There was a time when every child in Wizarding Europe cheered for my name or shrunk from it. There was a time when I cast curses that stripped the leaves from every tree for thirty feet with the mere wind of their passing--there was a time when I was on the verge of establishing, truly establishing, a new world order, a bright new future, and I would have done it for you and me--and here I am, rotting, lonely enough to care what some poncy old British git thinks of me. You must have enjoyed the thought, yes, that I might be haunted by the screams of my victims Does that fit your idea of how things work, that I lie awake at night tossing and turning from the ghosts of my past And do you, Albus Little Ariana held you back from hunting me down for years, didn't she
News. NEWS, Dumbledore News from this oubliette you left me in Four years without a letter--the charms on my watch are holding perfectly well, thank you, I know how long it's been--and then only to brag that you're Headmaster [a dark, indecipherable blotch of ink]
It's sweet, really, your bewilderment. You can't understand how I could possibly be angry at you, can you Because you mean well, because you approach me in friendship, I couldn't really be upset, now could I Just sulking again, right
Gertrude is a crazy bitch. What lesson are you trying to teach me What game of yours am I playing in now We already finished one, the one where you spend every day with me, give me your body and your mind, and then blame me for an accident and betray me and leave me to do our work alone And then the next, where you set me upon my path, share my plans, hunt the Hallows with me, give me the very words by which I forged my philosophy, and then, at your leisure, when you've watched enough, wander over from England in the name of truth and justice and bat me out of the sky
You forged me, Dumbledore. You forged me and formed me and let me loose in the world. And I think your little brother would agree that you have a habit of ignoring uncomfortable truths.
But enough about you. Let's talk about me, your haunted and broken pet Dark Lord, your misbegotten experiment, who used to spin sweet spells round your body and smile as you begged him to bugger you And who, I wonder, knows that Is that one of those things you must ever hide Poor Albus.
Yes, we go around in circles. Here I am back to mocking you until I can barely breathe for anger.
I have a new pen pal, Professor Dumbledore, aren't you proud Never think that you're the only one I write to--god knows if you were, I would've bashed my head out on the wall years ago. And it's lovely, sometimes, to talk to somebody who doesn't disapprove of everything one is, a fellow Dark wizard, ambitious with abandon. British boy, very clever, a little stiff, silly made-up name--owled me out of the blue a few years ago looking to talk shop, as you'd say. Great mind, but no sense of humor. He seemed rather startled when I mentioned that I knew you.
I told him that you were a user and a hypocrite, and to stay well away from you. Of course, he was already frightened of you. You might want to keep an eye out for him though. He could be a dangerous lad. And how could you possibly handle a Dark Lord who isn't your lapdog
Be well uncertain of your decency, Albus Dumbledore. And Gertrude is a crazy bitch.
Gellert Grindelwald
作者有话说
第11章 GG-AD
