2、Chapter 1 Emma ...
-
We all want to hide behind the veil, away from the crowds once we get hurt, but the bottom line is: we can’t. It’s as simple as that.
It’s a freezing cold night in late November, and Benjamin and I were standing outside the student union, waiting for the university coach.
“It’s going to wonderful, Emma.” he says.
I lifted my head and forced a smile, without thinking too much: “Yes, it’s going to be amazing.”
It’s going to be amazing if my eyes weren’t so watery I could barely see his face and my face wasn’t so numb I can hardly feel myself anymore.
“Look,” he tried warm me up by wrapping his arms around me, “You’ll do just fine, and don’t worry I won’t leave you on your own, ok? We’ll stay for a few drinks and go, I promise”
I promise. He promised he would let me off the hook with this ball thing; he promised I wouldn’t have to spend 50 pounds for the privilege of pretending to be a high class member; he promised I wouldn’t have to wear a pair of shoes that make me trip over every 5 minutes. I clutched his hand and kiss his palm while I sigh to myself secretly.
I know it’s a complete cliché to be chickened out of a formal ball while your boyfriend is the spot of attention and you look just like a big fat loser standing next to him. But I’m telling you, it’s not so much a cliché when this ball was to be held in Hilton hotel. Yes, the Hilton hotel. To make matters worse, it will be packed with loads of smartly dressed, well-spoken decent people. When encountered some of them in the past, I couldn’t help but question their true self in my mind: creeps don’t scare me, it’s the so-called decent guys, they go to church and do volunteer work, but nobody knows what they play inside. They are the people who scare me the most.
But there are things in your life you just have to do, some for love and others for pride. Besides, I’ve already paid the money. Benjamin was sporting a custom-made suit and in which he reminded me of a sentence I once read in a book: he is a man in his element, setting the world to rights; I could still smell the freshness of his aftershave; and I was wearing the best dress I could find in the city mall to hide my fat tummy and huge thigh. I bought it a week ago after humiliating myself in almost every designer shop I could find in the city centre. I’d come too far to turn back now.
A moment later, Benjamin and I were sitting on the coach. I put my head on his shoulder, playing along with his fingers. He is a lawyer with the hands of a pianist, long and delicate, the image of him gliding his fingers over the keyboard with tremendous passion: one moment attacking with overwhelming emotions, the next caressing with such concentration,as if nothing, not even the act of God, is likely to distract him, made me smile. And that was the moment I realized, it’d been weeks since I smiled without hesitation.
20 minutes later, the coach was pulling over outside the hotel.
“Here we are.” Ben gripped my hands as walking pass two vast security guards. The spectacular lighting effect made me feel a little dizzing as we made our way through the reception hall.
I stripped of my black overcoat and handed it to the coat check attendant, absent-mindedly guard my hands in front of my stomach, I tried to suck them in but it required too much effort, so I gave up.
“You look lovely tonight.” he whispered as he took my hand, and together we walked into the world of hotshot lawyers. The sound of the crowd engulfed the band playing in the back of the hall.
This is it, I said to myself.
I look ok.
So, I will do just fine.
A young man dressed in black and white shirts walked up to us and offered us champagne, Ben took one and asked the guy to give me a glass of orange juice.
Ben had prevented me from having alcohol in public places since he found out I talked silly when I had a bit of a drink. Not that I was drunk, it’s just my face burns when I only have one drink, and everybody thinks I was drunk. So I thought I might as well be drunk and stupid, and seize the chance to lose myself once in a while. Ben was fine with it as long as I wouldn’t embarrass him in front of people by throwing up all over him.
Under the sea of lights, I finally saw the dazzling faces of the young men and women in their finest clothes, but somehow I longed to linger, to the dark corner where nobody could see me. Not even Ben.
作者有话说
第2章 Chapter 1
