34、GG-AD ...
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阿不思——
我的表彻底不走了，我无法知道日期。可我也不在乎。那个傲慢无礼的浑小子要来找我？太棒了！这是这些年我听过的最好的消息。我太爱你了，因为你甚至都没想过撒谎骗我。你知道我会为你这样做，对吗？
阿不思，五十年，五十年了｛难以辨认的潦草字迹｝。没有你我都无法想象该怎么忍受？如果你倒下了，如果你像你平时喜欢装的那样疯掉了，我该怎么办？没有比再收不到你的来信更坏的事了。没有比你沉默不理我更糟糕的事了，你总是那么忙以至于没空理我，你总认为我希望你别来烦我，你总是没时间。
总是没时间。甚至到现在你都在说你的时间快用光了。不要对我说谎。转过来面对我。
伏地魔？把他送到我这里来。把那个小鬼头送到这里来。你教过我大脑封闭术，我会用碎掉的牙齿对他说谎并对着他的脸大笑——天哪，我已太久没见过人了——我想他会快速利落地动手，因为他认为我怕死，对吗？不过，我们不是一同寻找过驾驭死神的办法吗？那神圣的死神不该是我们的第三个搭档吗？你认为伏地魔会因对我实施简单的安乐死而沾染的鲜血感到羞耻吗？我想嘲笑嘲笑再嘲笑他——
一个世纪前，在戈德里克山谷，你教会我大脑封闭术。你细长的手指拿着魔杖，你金红色的意念足以燃起火焰，我被它拒之门外是那么痛苦。彼时我们在一起，世界璀璨美好，窗外溪水淙淙，之后她死了——
对了，伏地魔的意念尝起来一定不好，对吗？我不会仅仅是因为看到个人，就要昏倒吧？我马上就能为你做一回正确的事了吗？当多年后，你不想再改变世界，想要摆脱俗世烦恼时，你会把“它”带进坟墓里吧，你这美丽又自大的家伙。
记得吗，无论怎么被折磨，我都能笑出来？他永远都不会得到“它”的。阿不思，看着我，我放弃了，我快疯了。现在对着你的雪利酒啜泣吧。我总是不切实际地希望，希望你有胆量向我坦白——
你问我是否悔恨。好的，我现在几乎疯了，我完全可以告诉你。数十年，阿不思，我已愧疚不已数十年了。麻瓜在我梦里尖叫，我反复想到那一排排被我杀死的躯体，他们随之抛下的悲痛的家人。被掩埋的尸体。还有一个穿着红色披肩的小女孩，她不停地大叫。她已死去五十年了，可她还没有停止尖叫。你知道为什么我会紧握住你不放吗？因为或多或少你比我好。
是的，我后悔，我恨自己，恨我所做的一切。当然，你自始至终都明白这些。正如你明白我会为你那与“它”有关的愚蠢计划而死。正如你明白我会在你想让我给你写信时回信。正如你明白从我们相遇的那一天起，我就爱你。
你不用管我，你只管去杀那个男孩。波特和我都是你预备献祭的羔羊，献给伏地魔，献给更伟大的利益。
但我能说什么呢？你是个迷人的、热心肠的、甚至可爱的老头。而我是个孤独的、余生都在忏悔的老罪人。那些麻瓜被我的魔杖牵引而来，在“它”面前排列成行，他们的赤足恐慌地在地面发出摩擦，我冷酷地笑笑，扬起“它”，一道宛若极光的绿焰从杖尖发射而出。那么美丽迷人却又令人战栗。每当我想起这些，我五脏六腑如被撕裂。
这是我最后几张羊皮纸了。我会在墙上写。我希望伏地魔能在家养小精灵死之前来，免得我忍受饥饿，我想还是被他杀死更好些。我在这个房间囚了五十年，还要永久地呆下去，我用已破了皮的手指去抓门牌——
告诉我发生了什么。如果你没时间，就去找一根该死的速记笔来，告诉我究竟发生了什么事儿，只是不要把我一个人留在这里。不要把我抛在这里我都让你赢了——
你在懊恼如何拯救一个魂器（指哈利）？为什么要问这个？还在乎这些做什么？就是这些消耗了你的感情吗？让你悔恨交加，小心翼翼？阿不思，我求求你，求你与我乘风飞翔远走高飞，可我们都太老太破碎，已然回不去了。
回答我阿不思如果我用我的血给你写信并恳求你你是不是就会看我一眼不要把我扔在这里——
然而我从不知道你是怎么想我的？我只知道你不恨我。阿不思·邓布利多，你知道你对人家做了什么吗？
还是你一定要…
我的头发早已乱如杂草。老鼠们也回来了——是啊，它们回来——有个几年了，它们变得更大胆并嚼我的书。我齿间还留有它们的血。不，伏地魔先生，我从未拥有过“它”，滚开，去死吧。你看，还不错，我终于能为我爱的人做点儿对的事了。为你而死。
我想，你一直认为黑巫师从不会爱上任何人，对吗？
那么，你错了。
羊皮纸没了。不想再浪费床单。给我寄一些来？别把我抛在这里。
盖勒特·格林德沃
＊＊＊＊原文＊＊＊＊
Albus--
My watch is broken entirely. I don't know the date anymore. I don't care. The little upstart's coming for me? Delightful! Best news all decade. & I simply love how you don't even bother telling me to lie. You know I'll do it for you, don't you?
FIFTY YEARS, ALBUS. FIFTY [illegible scrawl] How am I supposed to stand it if you're gone? If you're broken, if you're finally as mad as you've always liked to pretend to be? Bad enough when you didn't write. Bad enough when you went silent for this or for that, because you were too busy to bother, because you thought I wanted you to why would I want you to, because you had no time.
Always no time. Even now you say you're running out. STOP LYING TO ME. TURN AROUND AND FACE ME.
Voldemort? Send him up here. SEND THE LITTLE SERPENT UP HERE. You taught me Occlumency, I'll lie through my broken teeth and laugh in his face--oh, it's been too long since I've had a good face-laughing, way too long, I haven't even seen a face in years--& he'll make it quick and clean, won't he, because I'm supposed to be afraid of Death? Death who we sought to master? Death who would be our third partner in hallowing this world? Do you think he'd be ashamed to be caught red-handed in a simple mercy-killing? I want to laugh & laugh & laugh at him--
You taught me Occlumency, in Godric's Hollow, a millennia ago. Your mind was red gold and restoring fire. It was agony to have to block it out. Your fingers were long and slender on your wand. We were together, the world was good, the water ran clear, and then she died--
His mind won't taste good, will it? I'll not swoon simply from seeing another human being? I'll do right by you for once? & you'll take It to your grave years from now when you finally bother to shuffle on & change the world yet again, you pompous, beautiful arse.
I can laugh even under torture, remember? He'll never get It. Look at me, Albus, I've given up & gone mad. Sob into your sherry all you want now. I'd always faintly hoped you'd have the guts to own up to me--
You ask after remorse. Well, I've gone mad now, so it's quite all right to tell you. Decades, Albus, decades sick with guilt. Muggle shrieks in my sleep. Thoughts of the lines of the dead I sent forth, the huddles of their families I left behind. Bodies turned under for mulch. There was a girl with a red shawl who wouldn't stop screaming. She's been dead fifty years and she won't stop screaming. Why do you think I clung to you so? You were better than me, more or less.
Of course, you knew that all along. That I regret, hate myself, hate what I did. Just like you knew that I would die for your idiot plans for It. Just like you knew that I'd write back when you wanted me to. Just like you knew that I've loved you since the day we met.
& you must kill the boy & you mustn't care about me. Potter & I your sacrificial lambs, burnt offerings to Voldemort & the greater good.
But what am I saying? You are a charming old man, good-hearted, even sweet. & I am a lonely, repenting old sinner. There were Muggles marched to my outstretched wand, Muggles lined up before It, bare feet scuffing panic marks in the earth until I smiled, cold, raised It, sent green light sheeting like the aurora. Beautiful. Thrilling. Something rips in my gut every time I think of it.
These are my last few sheets of parchment. I'll write on the walls. I hope the Voldemort brat comes before that house elf dies and leaves me to starve, it'll be a better death. In one room for fifty years, in one room forever, I scrape my fingers raw on the inscription over the door &--
Tell me what's going on. Get a bloody transcription quill if you have to, if you don't have time to write, tell me what in hell is going on, just don't leave me here. I let you win DON'T LEAVE ME HERE--
Isn't remorse how you reintegrate a Horcrux? Is that why you asked? Why else would you care? What other use is the emotion that cripples you? Remorse. Caution. I would beg you to ride the wind with me, Albus, but we're far, far too old and broken.
ANSWER ME ALBUS DON'T LEAVE ME HERE IF I WRITE IT IN MY BLOOD AND BEG WILL YOU NOTICE?
But I've never quite known what you think of me, have I? Only that you do not hate me. Albus Dumbledore, do you even know what you do to people?
But you must...
My hair's a ragged, tangled mess. The rats have crept back in--well, they did that some-odd years ago, but they've gotten bolder, chewing up my books. I have their blood in my teeth. No, Mr. Voldemort, I never had It, piss off & die already, it's not too bad after all, see, I'll do it right now for somebody I love. Die for you.
But I suppose you think Dark wizards can't love, don't you?
Maybe you're wrong.
Out of parchment. Not using another sheet. Send more? Don't leave me here.
Gellert Grindelwald
作者有话说
第34章 GG-AD
