《随笔》Shiner

2、十二月六日 Someo

　　Someone does dancing, someone does cooking, someone being a mother, someone being a teacher, someone doing arts. Everyone laughs, cries, gets angry, bursts into tears, even fears, they just feel who they are. So don’t hide everything in your head,your mind,your body, for a long time,you’ll forget you, no one gets you, no one knows you, no one cares you. Even yourself, don’t know who you are. Finally,you become nothing. Somebody hide themselves because of abnormal sexuality, some hide their ugly haircut, some hide their hurt eyes, some hide their crimes once committed. But they choose to display other things, to be a good friend, to be a good father, to be a good worker. So what I am trying to hide and show Everything to hide, and nothing to display. I admit I never thought about it before. I started to forget how to live, how to be a man. I didn’t give up, just to hide them. Yes, I don’t want people to know me, it makes me feel unsafe. I don’t want to be known, and controlled. It’s ridiculous, but it is the reality. Maybe I tried, but I failed eventually. Every time I feel better, happier, I know something bad is waiting. It won’t last even one week. I like natural things, but natural means crude most of the time. But I don’t want the crude things. The beginning is hard, ending either. It’s not safe. I’m so deficient of safe consciousness. I don’t know how to explain, but unfortunately, I am. Little tiny bulls aren’t afraid of tigers. I used to be the bull. I didn’t get the knowledge of fear. I ‘m brave. But I get more and more afraid of others, other people, other things, that are not belonged to me. Or I’m wrong, I have always been afraid of unfamiliar stuff until today. I love to be surrounded with music, dance, voice that I get used to. Oh yeah, I like to be with myself. You do what you like, don’t you
　　FEEL THE HAPPINESS, FEEL THE SADNESS, FELL THE ANGER, FEEL EVERYTHING, TO BE REAL HUMAN, NOT A ZOMBIE IN THE CLOSET.