《意隐故事---明玉轮》夏意隐

67、过往（2） Julia

　　Julia：“I don’t know if you’d call this 'disastrous' in your culture, but our mother was murdered when I was five and she was only two. Maybe you’ve heard of it, or maybe not—you don't look that old; you were probably little back then, or not even born yet. There was a serial killer who targeted couples back in the days, and my mom and her boyfriend was killed during their date.（不知道在你们的文化里我们这算不算是天崩开局。我们妈妈在我5岁她两岁的时候就被杀害了。可能你听说过，不过或许也没有，你看上去也没多大，估计你那时候也很小或者还没出生。当时有一个专杀情侣的连环杀手，我妈妈就和她当时男朋友在一次约会中被选中了。）”

　　黎鸦：“Random killing?（随机杀人吗？）”

　　Julia：“Completely random.（完全随机。）”

　　黎鸦：“Has he been caught?（现在被抓到了吗？）”

　　Julia：“Not yet. But he went dormant these years. My mom was the third from the last, at least in the cases reported. After she passed, we moved in with our biological father, but he was already married and they’d just had a son.（还没有。不过后来他也没再犯过案。我妈妈是倒数第三个，至少在被报道出来的案子里是这样。我妈妈死后，我们就和我们的生父一起生活了，但是他当时已经结婚了，甚至他们也刚刚有了自己的儿子。)”

　　黎鸦：“Was she bad to you？（你们继母对你们不好吗？）”

　　Julia：“I don't think we can really complain and I never think Susan is a bad person. It’s a lot to ask of a stepmother. She had just started her own family and all of a sudden had to accept two kids from her husband’s previous relationship. Our dad was a construction worker, working non-stop to provide for a family of five, so Susan was the one raising us. She was also working from home as a customer service rep while caring for our little brother. You could tell she just had no energy left for us. We were fed and had a roof over our heads, what's more to ask?（我觉得我们没有办法抱怨，我到现在都不觉得Susan是一个坏人。一个继母能够做到她这种程度应该也是很不容易了。你想想，她刚刚有自己的孩子，但是却不得不接受两个跟她完全没有关系的、还是自己丈夫上一段关系中留下的孩子。我们爸爸是一个建筑工，工作很忙，要养活我们一家四口，所以平时就由继母照顾我们；她自己呢，一边要照顾弟弟，一边在家兼职着电话客服的工作补贴家用，所以你能感受到她没有时间和精力来给我们更多的爱。我们一路以来有饭吃、有地方睡其实真的不算艰难。）”

　　Josia：“Oh then why did you still leave if you were so grateful?（哦既然你这么感恩，你怎么还是离开了呢？）”

　　Julia：“She's still mad at me for that. She always feels like I ditched her.（她还在怨我。她总觉得我把她抛弃了。）”

　　Josia：“Uh you kinda did.（呃，你就是。）”

　　Julia：“No. Susan was diagnosed with uremia and couldn't work anymore at that time, and money was tight because of her treatment so I figured if I went out to work and Josia moved to the living room, we could rent out our bedroom. It was really a way to bring in more money, but she doesn't get it.（不是。那时Susan生病了，得了尿毒症，她没有办法工作，再加上治疗要用到钱，我们的生活太拮据了。如果我出来工作，Josia睡客厅，那我们的房间就可以空出来出租，一下可以多出两份经济来源，但是她不懂。）”

　　Josia：“I wanted to leave with her.（我想和她一起离开。）”

　　Julia：“But she was only starting high school. I told her she had to at least finish that. I said, 'If you want to come find me later, you can.'（但是她那时才刚上高中，我说至少也要把高中读完。我说如果到时候你想来找我你可以来找我。）”

　　Josia：“So she just snuck out one night, and I literally woke up to just a note. I was so terrified, I thought she had killed herself or something and that it was a suicide note. I remember thinking, 'Oh God, if she’s dead, I’m done too.' I’ve never really had much to hold onto anyway. What's the point?（所以她就在一个晚上自己偷偷溜出去了，等我醒来的时候就只有一个字条。吓死我了，一开始我还以为她自杀了，留的遗书什么的。我当时想天啊，如果她死了，我也就不活了。我觉得我本身就对这个世界就没有多少留恋，我觉得没什么意思。)”

　　黎鸦：“What about now? Do you feel the same?（现在呢？现在也这么觉得吗？）”

　　Josia：“All the time. The only reason I’m here is because of my sister. She is the meaning of life. My whole life, no one has ever stayed for me except her—so she is the only one I stay for.（一直都这么觉得，现在也这么觉得。我来到这里只是因为我姐姐在这里。她就是我的意义，我这一生中没有任何人为我停留，只有她，所以我也只为她。）”

　　黎鸦：“The bond is incredible.（你们俩个感情真好。）”

　　Julia：“Of course. Cuz we sorta had a 'complete' family on paper, but in reality, we never did. I was the one who raised her; she was always on my tail. She's so reliant on me that she never knows what to do or how to handle anything. She asks me for every decision, and I’m the one who has to stand up for her when she’s in trouble. So, after she graduated high school, she came to me. I was already here by then, and I wanted her here, because for the first time, I was living a good life.（当然，虽然说有个完整的家庭，但实际上又不能算有。从小是我把她拉扯大的，是我的小跟班。她是个很没主心骨的人，总是不知道要做什么，遇见什么事也不知道要该怎么办，什么都要问我，要我拿主意，受欺负也要我给她出头。所以后来等到她高中毕业后她果真就来找我了，那时候我已经来这里了，我也希望她来，因为我在这里才第一次过上美好的生活。）

　　After leaving home at eighteen, I became a real estate agent. I was good at it. I don’t know if you’ll say I’m arrogant, but I think I'm good with people and my personality is likable; my clients all loved me. Plus, the market was on the rise so my closing rate was high. And when I earned my first money, I kept only a little and sent the rest back to her.（我18岁离家之后就去做房产经纪，我很擅长，虽然不知道你怎么想，会不会觉得我太自大，但是我自己觉得我的社交能力很强，性格不错，顾客们也都很喜欢我；再加上那年行情很不错，我的成交率很高。我挣得的第一笔钱，我只留了足够自己生活的数，剩下的全部都打给了她。）

　　I was so full of hope then. I felt like I was finally becoming the protagonist of my own story, that fate was finally kind to me. I was also dating someone at that time—a client, actually, one I didn't close a deal with. I remember taking him to see this one house: the first floor had this airy, open kitchen and a family room; upstairs, four bedrooms. The walk-in closet in the master suite was as big as a boutique. I can still see that house in my mind now. He made me feel like it was already ours. We even... we even did it in that master bedroom.（我那时对生活和未来充满希望，我觉得我终于要迎来美好了。你知道吗，那种期盼的感觉，感觉自己终于活成了故事的主角，命运也终于对我眷顾。我当时还交了一个男朋友，是我的一个客户，一个没有成交的客户。我当时带他看了一个房子：一楼是通透的开放式厨房和家庭厅，楼上四间主次卧，主卧套房里那个步入式衣帽间大得像个小型精品店。我现在好像还能在眼前看见那间房子。他让我觉得这幢房子已经是我们的了，我们甚至在那间主卧... ）

　　So when he told me he needed money, I didn't think twice. I trusted him so much. I was so desperate, I was desperate for a real home of my own. I gave him my everything. People say life is hard, but I don’t think I’ve ever endured any tragedy. Is never having been loved a tragedy? Am I truly pitiful or am I just too greedy? Did I want too much? My parents never abused us, so what else do I need to ask for? But I craved it, I craved love so much. I gave him my whole world—so why did it end like that? Why?（所以当他跟我说他需要一些钱的时候，我完全没有多想，我太相信他了，我太渴望了，我太渴望有一个自己真正的家了。我什么都没想，我把我的所有都给了他。我说生活很苦，但我好像也并没有经历多大的磨难，你说，从来没有得到过爱算不算是一种磨难？是我真的很可怜还是我太贪婪，我想要的太多？我的父母他们没有虐待过我们，我还应该要求什么？可是我就是渴望，我太渴望爱了，我太渴望了。我把我的一切都给了他，为什么最后是这样的结局呢？为什么呢？）

　　I went to a church with that question. I never go to church; I don’t believe in God. If there were a God, shouldn't He have had mercy on me? That was my first time going, and the pastor spoke a lot, but my attention was completely stolen by another man. I suppose I’m destined to be crucified by the pursuit of love. Cuz before long, I found out he had a family. He told me there was no love left between him and his wife—so when a man says that, wouldn't I naturally expect him to get a divorce? But then he said God wouldn't want him to do that. （我带着这样的疑问去到了教堂，我从来不去教堂，我不信神、不信上帝，如果有上帝的话他难道不该怜悯我吗？那是我第一次去，牧师讲了很多，但是我的注意力全被另一个男人吸引走了，我想我对爱的追逐也注定了我的痛苦。后来我才知道，那个男人他有家庭。他告诉我他和他妻子已经没爱了，他这样说难道我不会想让他离婚吗？可是他说上帝不会想让他这样做的。）

　　Maybe I pushed too hard. In the end, I'm the one he left. How can a believer—a devout believer, someone who can finish any verse you start—betray his own family? Is this God’s teaching? Or does God simply lack the power to reign over humanity? （也许是我最后逼得太紧了，他最后反倒放弃了我。这样一个信徒、一个虔诚的信徒、一个你说出一节的上半句就能接出下半句的信徒怎么可以背叛自己的家庭呢？这是上帝的教诲和授意吗？还是上帝并没有管理人类的能力？）

　　My soul drifts again. And that was when I met the Silver Orb and the Moonlord. I heard him preach just once, only once. And after that one time, I knew my life could never leave him or this faith ever again. God leaves people to burn in hell, but only Moonlord is saving us. He told me that I had made many mistakes, but it was not my fault—they belonged to my past life, and lives before that, things beyond my control. He told me exactly what to do, how to atone for my sins. He let me know that I can be loved, accepted, and redeemed. He brought me to the Moon Palace, the place of ultimate light. He gave me the love I never received—the love of the entire world, the entire universe. How can I ever repay him? I don't know.（我的灵魂又归于漂泊，也就是这个时候，我遇见了明玉轮、遇见了月主。我只听了一次月主的布道，只一次，就这一次，我想我的生命再也没有办法离开月主和这份信仰了。上帝置人于水火而不顾，只有月主诚于拯救。是他告诉我是我之前犯了太多错，但这些又并非我的错，这是前世的我、前前世的我，是我所不能控制的；也是他告诉我究竟该怎么去做，怎样去弥补我的罪过。他让我知道，我是可以被爱的、可以被接纳的、可以被救赎的，是他把我带到月宫，这个极尽光明的地方。他给了我我从没得到过的爱，给了我整个世界、整个宇宙的爱。我该怎样去偿还他，我不知道。） ”